It’s 3am. There is a hurricane rattling the entire house and I am lying in bed, sweating in the Florida heat with a half-working air conditioner, trying to remember where my younger cousin’s hunting rifle is hidden.
I’m going to shoot that motherf&%$er. That’s the only solution at this point.
A buzzer has been going off since 3pm the previous day and it has not stopped. It is so loud it rings across the ocean canal in front of my room and still manages to sound as if it’s right next to my bed. Think of a car horn blaring in one long note in your ear for 24 hours with no end in sight.
I have put pillows over my ears, slept with music playing through my headphones. None of it is working.
This must be what sound torture feels like. I feel like I am going mad. How do I get over there and shoot that thing with the rifle so it stops?
I’m lying in bed thinking about this as I drift in and out of a sleep with dreams that include that blaring sound. Fantasizing about shooting that thing so it stops.
A few hours later, I am up. Fuck it. I’m not going to sleep anyway. The thing is still blaring.
I walk downstairs to check on Natalie, my event planner, who arrived last night to prepare for the group of women that is coming here tomorrow for the retreat I have planned.
Oh my god! Did you hear that thing all night? Did you sleep?
Natalie is on the other side of the house, so she slept like a baby. Suddenly the sound just…stops.
I almost don’t know what to do with my body as silence rings through the house. I feel my nervous system ungrip for the first time in 32 hours. Could it be? Could the blaring have finally stopped? I wait, paralyzed in fear that it might return if I even dare to breathe.
It doesn’t. It is gone. Thank God.
I turn around to walk back upstairs to my room to get dressed for the day. As my feet are stepping on the soft carpeted steps, I get smacked in the face with it…
I sat there tolerating that sound for 32 hours. 32 hours of torture.
And I could have easily just moved to one of the empty rooms on the opposite side of the house I was renting and slept well. But I didn’t.
It felt weird to be back here as I heard the wheels of the plane hit the runway and the brakes squeal to a stop. It felt weird going back to the room I had spent the last 6 months in.
A room with brown carpeting and white curtains, where I released some longstanding, toxic ancestral patterns for good. Where I finally set powerful boundaries against verbal and emotional abuse that created some major familial drama for me. A room where I came to rest and sometimes cower after a year that tested my faith to its limit and beat me down in a way I thought I might never recover from.
A room with a view where I finally got the courage to leave and leap into a frightening but ultimately soul-aligned unknown.
And here I was. Back again. Due to a retreat I had planned there before my quantum leap.
The minute I landed in Tampa everything was chaos. There was a hurricane flooding everything, knocking branches into the street, shaking the windows in my room. Everything was in chaos and depressingly hot and grey. I didn’t sleep well at night, waking up gasping for air in a hot room.
For days I felt like I couldn’t think properly. Stayed in bed for hours.
My body feels like it is suddenly five sizes too big for all of the city of Tampa.
I realized in the moment that I had that thought, that this was the result of the huge soul leap I had taken when I heard that familiar voice of Desire say to me “Move to California. Just do it. Now”. Stomach trembling, ego totally freaking out, I said yes to an apartment that was more rent than I had ever paid in my life, packed up the few things I own and headed west.
You see, here’s what happens to you at a DNA level when you leap into your soul’s yes and don’t give in to fear: You instantly shift at a quantum level. You expand instantly to five times your size.
Think for a moment about the future you that you wish to be.
She takes the risks. She makes the bold decisions. She picks up everything and moves to California because her Soul told her to and she fully trusts in that guidance and intuition.
So, the minute you behave like that future you, you instantly become her. You shift down to the core and become the future you, in that very instant. Your cells change. You are a different person now.
Now I understand why I was having digestive issues the whole time I was flying to Santa Barbara for my move. Now I understand why I felt strange in my body for the first week that I was there, needing to go on daily walks on this new land with my bare feet on the ground.
There was a deep quantum shift happening. I was literally becoming a new person. It was as weird as a caterpillar feels when it’s turning into brown goo and then into a butterfly. It’s not an entirely comfortable process as your entire energetic structure shifts to become the new you.
And here I am, just having realized that I tolerated a blaring horn sound to the point of madness for 32 hours, instead of just moving to another room.
Right then and there I realized why I came back here, on a soul level.
To finally release that pattern of “tolerating” what was not truly aligned with my soul. Tolerating what was at times abusive and oppressive. Old ancestral patterns in a few members of my family that I was taking on and using to hold my own self down, without even realizing it. Tolerating stories passed down from generations that got reinforced last year when I had a dark night of the soul and everything fell apart.
Don’t want so much. Don’t be so big. Be humble. In this life, you dream big and then some unseen force will come in and take it from you. You won’t get what you really want, but it’s okay to settle for second best. Learn to tolerate it. You’ll never be in that category. Stop being so difficult and dramatic by wanting more. You don’t have a choice, just accept this.
That is exactly why I had moved away in the first place. Because as I began to align with my soul in this next level of my evolution, these deep seated beliefs that have been passed down through generations, that have been used to make sure everyone in the family conforms, came up to be healed and released.
And that horn. That motherfriggin horn, that hurricane rattling the very foundations of the old house I had lived in while I dug up these painful, awful deep-seated beliefs from centuries ago that had been encoded into my DNA, all of these things were the last, painfully obvious mirror into my own pattern of “enduring” until I can find better. A gun to my face, asking me if this was still what I was going to choose.
Sometimes your higher self will do that to you. She’ll work in cahoots with hurricanes and horns to send you one last glaringly-ugly look into what your life would have remained as, if you hadn’t taken the leap. Sometimes it takes a hurricane and a horn making you think murderous thoughts to make you realize that you are finally, finally done for good.
It’s the final thread, being cut loose for good.
The retreat is over. I am heading to the airport now. Leaving Tampa and going back to my home in Santa Barbara. The check-in machine asks me “would you like to upgrade to first class for $189 dollars?”. I feel the part of me that tolerated that horn for 32 hours want to say no. Don’t be so big. Be humble.
I purchased that damn upgrade.
What are you no longer willing to tolerate. How will you invite your future self in to choose?