She made a deal with the darkness

smadedarkness

A long time ago, in a past life, she misused her great power. In that lifetime she participated in the dark side of the matriarchy and her power went to her head. She manipulated and hurt many. She watched, in that life, as her face distorted from so much unchecked power. How the darkness took over her heart until it became her own demise.

When she was born into this lifetime, she wanted to make sure that this never happened again. And so, from the moment her eyes glimpsed this new life, she unconsciously made a deal with the darkness. Because some part of her still remembered that lifetime, long ago. And the darkness obliged.

It agreed that it would always show up to nip at her and keep her in check. To avoid causing the pain in this lifetime with her power that she had caused in that past life. To pay for her sins a lifetime ago.

She danced with the darkness in her childhood, surrounded by dark matriarchs who always nipped at her when she spoke her truth or sought to quash her power. As she grew, every time she owned the beautiful power that she was, a Dark One would show up to knock her down just one tiny step. A rude comment on a post or a piece of writing. Unsolicited feedback from someone projecting their pain or looking for someone to blame. A teacher who told her her dreams would never be. A friend who felt threatened and used passive aggressive remarks to keep her from stepping into her true gifts for fear there would be “competition.” A lover who withdrew his affection every time her unabashed delight filled the room with her soul’s radiance. People in her tribe who secretly wished her to fail and cast spells upon her when she open-heartedly shared her big dreams and aspirations. Others who called her conceited and fake under their breath, when she was confident and optimistic. And many who shamed her for being sensitive.

For many years, she stayed in this dance with the dark side. To be kept in check. To pay for the transgressions of other lifetimes. To make sure she would never hurt someone with her power again.

And then one day she met a healthy matriarch. One who was not threatened by her power, but rather encouraged it. One who knew that her ability to change the world lay in the very thing she was keeping in check. This healthy matriarch told her, “You don’t need to dance with the dark side anymore. You don’t need it to show up to make sure your power stays in check.”

And suddenly, she remembered there was a higher power that would always keep her balanced: her Soul. It’s connection to all of divine wisdom and love. She remembered her Soul would show her when she was mistaken and when she was coming from ego. Her Soul would bring her back to love if she ever overstepped her own integrity and wholeness. This remembrance felt like a sweet homecoming. The world opened up all anew now that she knew the darkness was not something she needed anymore to keep her in line.

She said a prayer of forgiveness for her past life misdeeds.
She called her soul and her power back.

——

The other day you asked me to help you with something.

You who have chased me around with your darkness for years.
You who have sought to slice through me in the tiniest ways
because you cannot accept yourself.

You who have sought to tear down my credibility in front of others I respect.
You who have taken my most heartfelt gestures and twisted them into
the ugliness of competition and power games. You who delight
when someone seeks to cut me down and join in on the fun.

You, who have done all of this, who has shown up as Darkness,
asked me to help you.

I think you must be mistaking me for someone I used to be.
You must still think I am that woman who would play the sacrificial animal
because she has the gift of a bleeding heart. You must still think I believe
in the spiritual bypass that ‘we should help everyone,’ even when they seek
to crush our life force repeatedly with the boulder of their anger and resentment.

I almost fell back into that pattern again. I almost responded.
I almost put everything aside to jump in and help you. You who despite barely
knowing me, have treated me like a disposable punching bag for your insecurities
because you cannot stand to face the greatness in you that I reflect back to you
every time that I stand in my authentic power.

I almost replied.

I almost forgot that unconditional love is not unconditional love
if it doesn’t include me in the equation.

So I will not respond to you.
I will not enter into that game with you ever again.

It is not my job to save you by sacrificing my own power.
It is not my job to dance with your darkness to save you.

——

She said a prayer of forgiveness for her past life misdeeds.
She called her soul and her power back.
She brought herself back into the present life.

And for the first time she felt safe shining ever-expansively without there needing to be an end or a ceiling. She showed her full face unabashedly, knowing she could finally trust that she had learned the lessons from that last life and no longer needed to carry her tail between her legs.

And she invited other women who were carrying the same wound to do the same:

You don’t need the dark side to keep you in check. You don’t need to dull yourself just a little to make sure you don’t misuse your power.

You don’t need to keep inviting people into your life who will slowly leave you like an open gaping wound with all of the little cuts they impose upon you over time.

You don’t need to keep being the rabbit that tells the hawk of your hiding place over and over again. You don’t need any of that in order to deserve the brightness of your light.

You don’t.

Just shine, my love. Shine.
Thank the darkness for what she has taught you and set her free now.
Send light into the darkness to all of those hurting souls who are still in a dance with that lack of light and who desire to draw you into their shadowed caves.

And let’s shine,
ever-expanding, limitless,
pulsating with endless possibilities
of light.

——

Did this resonate with you? I’d love to know which part resonated the most with you in the comments below.


Share on Pinterest

Leave a Comment