Why I let my soulmate go

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I don’t believe we have one soulmate in all of this life.
But I do believe that we are gifted with several soulmates.

Some of them crash against us like bright comets that ride along a trail of wonder and
awe, leaving us forever changed. Some become lifelong friends. Some arduous temporary lovers. Some leave ashes in their wake, forcing us to rebuild what needed to be destroyed.
And some of them marry us.

I’ve met a few soulmates along this path of my life that so far spans 36 years.
They’ve all taught me something valuable and left me a little different than I was before
I met them–more expanded, more aware, more capable of experiencing deeper love.

But there’s one I will always remember, because without even knowing it, he taught
me the importance of trust and surrender. And it’s my belief that learning how to trust
and surrender to the greatness that life has in store for us, is one of the juiciest, best
kept secrets to that amazing, full life that you crave deep down in your heart.

And I don’t mean the trust and surrender you think you know all about.
Oh believe me, I thought I knew all about trust and surrender!
I thought I was actively doing it “right”. Until I had this experience.

I met him at an event. In a room full of egos trampling over each other and people trying to appear like “somebodies”, he was a light of humility, grounding and true, masculine power.

As our eyes connected it was an instant spark for me.

I stayed connected to him after that, watched him live his life on social media, relationships
starting, relationships ending…

You know when you meet someone and you just know that there’s a spark of something
there? Sometimes you can’t quite place your finger on what that spark might turn into, but from that moment on, their presence in the world is an ignited flame in your awareness.
From then on you watch out for them, keep them in your sight and from time to time, at random moments in your own life, you think of them and wonder how they are.
You care about them, even though there is no rational reason why you should care about
this human being you’ve barely interacted with.

Eventually I reconnected with him and in between talking on the phone, laughing so hard my
stomach hurt and having deep, cosmic conversations about the meaning of life & the planets,
something began to blossom in my belly, unspoken.

It danced in me brightly, this electric spark. My body was full of it.
It bloomed in me with a deep reverence, a hot lusty cry of ecstasy, the delicious, sweet pain
one feels when the heart is expanding with wild possibility and the exhilarating fear of the unknown.

I took to dancing naked in my living room in the dark.

Surrounded by dozens of candles I danced the story of what could not be put into words.
I felt alive, riding on a wave of giddy excitement. This love, it brought me face to face with
my own divinity. In the reflections he provided, I met myself over and over again, seeing all the parts upon which light had not shone in a long time and in many cases…ever.

We met up in dreams and in these dreams we made love floating among the stars.
We wrote each other fervently, planning out our life of travel and adventure around the world.
Both always flirting with that edge that says “I think I like you…in that way.”

And then he met another woman and began to fall in love with her.

He would tell me all about her by phone and I would sit on the other end of the line, listening in silence. Every word a hot blade slicing through my heart and tearing up everything inside of me.

You might think that he’s a jerk for doing that. And you might think that I’m stupid for putting up with that. But this was no ordinary love for me.

In ordinary love, many people only think about what they can get out of it. What their own needs are and how to get them met. There are rules and restrictions of personal freedoms, all designed to keep each person where they are, in a safe cocoon where nothing is ever mirrored back to them or confronted. In this type of love, we stay comfortable, we cater to each other’s paranoias and self-sabotage.

I’m not interested in that kind of love in any part of my life.
This was not that kind of love that we as a society have come to define in movies and modern day rom-coms.

This was next level love.

It was a love beyond attachment, beyond my own personal needs. It is what I imagine is the true nature of love beyond our personal requirements and intricacies.

It is a love where you care for the other person’s happiness and fulfillment as much as you care for your own. You value their freedom and their self-expression as much as you value yours. It is a love that doesn’t always keep you safe and comfortable. Instead it asks you to face all of the things inside of you that keep you small, that keep you from stepping into the greatness of your own being.

And that path, my friend, is not always complacent.

In this kind of love, you move beyond the relationship being about you and getting your needs met. Instead your relationship becomes a third living and breathing being. And the question is no longer “what can I get from this?” and instead “what does this relationship contribute to the world? How does what we create together contribute to the wellness of all living beings?”

So I listened to him falling in love with this other woman.

Because beyond my pain, there was a deep desire to see him in his utmost happiness. I witnessed the entire unfolding of that relationship with simultaneous joy for his joy and a heart break so profound it left me breathless.

When I look back on it now, the letting go happened in levels so subtle it has taken me this long to see it. I moved away from the United States and to Panama. But something in me was calling to retreat from my life in the US and bury myself deeply in a cocoon of my own making.

I won’t lie–it was not all enlightened acceptance.

There were times when I felt angry at this woman. For a long time I felt as though she had come in and “taken” from me what I had felt was possibly the greatest love story of my life.
It was a guttural level feeling of having had something profound stolen from me.

I compared myself to her. Sometimes I was tempted to tear her down and think “what does she have that I don’t?”. I allowed it to make me feel “less than” at times. Sometimes I felt it would be easier to dismiss him as an “idiot” for not picking me over her. Find all of his flaws and use them as justification why it would never work if we were together…

But all of those things may seem “easier” to do in order to deal with the situation of getting your heart broken, but they would also mean that my heart would have to close a little bit.

You close your heart “a little bit” enough times and you end up with a chest full of boarded up windows through whose cracks you can sometimes catch a sad dusty glimpse into the warm, glowing home that was once there.

So my choice, throughout this experience, was to keep my heart open.
To choose love no matter what.

And it was painful as hell.
And hard.
And utterly blissful at the same time.

Because when you choose the spiritual practice of an open heart, your heart breaks,
yes, but it breaks open.

And while it is painful at times, you are actually cracking open into more love.
You are expanding the capacity your heart has to hold and give love.
You begin to experience profundities of love that you never knew were possible.

And then one day after being repeatedly baptized by this sacred, painful experience,
I knew it was time to let him go.

I had entertained the idea for months. But it it was too terrifying to pull the trigger then.
It felt as if a piece of me would be ripped away forever. That I would be giving up on the very thing I should fight for, wait for until the ends of the earth.

You see, as he was falling in love with this woman, he had continued to stay in touch
with me. We still had that crazy connection and neither of us could walk away from it.

On the day I let him go I was lying in bed in a half-awake state, lucid dreaming.
He came to me, as he often did in this state. As I saw him in my vision, standing in front
of me, a bit far off was his woman, standing to his left, waiting for him expectantly.

I saw in that moment that he was afraid to disconnect from me and give his heart over completely to this woman he was dating. And I knew that not only did I have to let him go,
but that it was my role as it had always been, to priestess him, to help him let me go, too

It became clear to me that he had been my husband in many of my past lives.
I saw the connection we shared through centuries and dimensions spread out between us, moving beyond time and space. And I knew suddenly that in this life, we were not meant to be together.

Because this was transcendent love, the soul agreement we had made in this lifetime was for me to learn the true meaning of love to move beyond myself to assist him in this lifetime in his heart journey with another woman.  His soul had chosen her for this lifetime and my job was to help him dive deep into that love and learn the lessons he would learn from her in this lifetime.

I kissed him deeply, held him in my arms for a second and gently stepped away from him.

He looked at me, afraid and paused for a second. Then he realized it was okay to step away and he turned his back to me, walking towards the woman who would be his mate in this lifetime.

He turned around two times, as if hesitating to leave me. But I held strong. It was hard.
I nodded to his woman in this life and sent her all of my love. Asked her to please take care of him, one of my great dimensional loves.

And then I set him free.

I woke up from that dream and felt the release in my body.
Everything was different from then on.

I tell you this story because this experience taught me the true nature of loving and being loved. And I don’t just mean in relationships.

All human beings, no matter what we are doing, we are all looking for love.

It may be masked with a million other labels, reasons or experiences, but in the end,
whether we are building our dream business, looking to serve others, writing a book,
traveling the world or having the fight of the century with a loved one, we are endlessly looking to lose ourselves in the inter-dimensional current of unconditional love.

And sometimes, the only way to feel truly nourished by Love’s completeness, the only way to reach “enlightenment” again and again, is to let go, let go, let go.

Let go of our attachments to how we think things should be.
Let go of the dreams we thought we had for our life.
Let go of our labels, others expectations and even our name.
Let go of the thing we love most and set it free…

And fall deeply into the arms of trust and surrender, knowing there is a Universe out
there that is always conspiring to pull you further into a greatness you could never even imagine on your own.

How often do we push that greatness away by refusing to let go of what is no longer serving you? How often do we hang on to that which is not meant for us in this life, because we’re egoically attached to some old story or idea of how things “should” be?

How much suffering do you cause yourself when you refuse to let go of your illusions about how it should have been?

Whoever you are, wherever you are, know this: you must let go in order to receive.

Right now there is abundance untold waiting for you in the soft skirt-folds of our Universe.
In love, in your business, in your relationships, in your spirituality–in all of it.

But in order to receive it, you must let go, you must let Love crack you open,
expand your vision.

It is only through being willing to let Love initiate us that our hearts become unburdened, uncluttered & free. And in freedom comes the highest expression
of your being.

In freedom comes more love than you ever knew your heart could hold.

This means you’ll have to live with a little discomfort from time to time, as all great things require devotion and persistence. All great things are the rebuilding that came in the aftermath of some holy release or destruction.

So I’m grateful to my soulmate for coming into my life and breaking my heart so profoundly (without him even knowing it). I’m grateful that I trusted and surrendered enough to let him go.

Even in that experience, he was showing me the true nature of love, helping me step into the greatness of who I’m meant to be and for that, like I will be forever in gratitude.

What would happen if you chose to love every aspect of your life with a love like that? A love that moves beyond your ego attachments, beyond your fears and ideas of what you think you need?  What could be birthed in a space like that?

Let me know in the comments below.  I always love to hear from you.


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