I never wanted to be your guru


lisa fabrega

I never wanted to be your guru

I never wanted to be anyone’s guru. That always seemed like signing up for disaster.

I never wanted to be an ascended master so pure she no longer needed a body.
I love walking through old towns where thousands of bodies have lived and died.
I cherish the cool touch of an ancient stone in my hand, reminding me that the history of being in a body is earthy, well-rounded, and true.

I never wanted to be an angel. I have a different type of wing.
I walk among flesh and bone and luxuriate in the warmth of veins, flesh and feet.

I never wanted to be proper. I cuss with delight, feeling the round rebellious vowels on my tongue with the type of gratitude fit for a saint.

I want to ride motorcycles while proselytizing the church of one’s Soul.
I want to dance in the shadow while I speak the language of light.
I want to honor the light of the moon as equally as that of the sun.

I want to eat sugar. Sometimes meat.
I want to cap off a week of hard, soulwork with a glass of whiskey, and sometimes
a plate of fries.

I won’t always coat your deliverance in light and feathers, sometimes I’ll cut through you with the force of love that can only come from a sword engulfed in flames.

I want to be the teacher who teaches from what she struggles with,
who is fumbling through her humanity and pulling back the curtain for all to see,
obliterating shame.

I never want to achieve unfeeling “enlightenment.”
Because when you chase enlightenment as another notch in the belt of your ego’s achievements, you’ve lost the point entirely.

I don’t want to always be emotionless, peaceful, and zen.
I want the holiness of feelings. All of them.
I want the anger, the jealousy, and the sadness.
I want them to carve me out like wind and water and ice, and leave behind a stunning network of sacred caves and melancholy arches inside of me like art.

I want to be an empty space of possibility for you.
I want to teach you how to make your body fertile ground for your dreams.
I want to meet you with such a fierceness of unconditional love that you whisper
your soul back into your body.

I want the way my unapologetic existence pisses you off to be the permission to worship your own wisdom.

I don’t want to be the one full of answers and information for your ego to get its fix.
I want to be a vacuous mirror, everywhere I go, of what is possible when we are free, when we love every cell of our being, when we forgive ourselves for fucking it up from time to time,
because we will.

I have a secret to tell you about enlightenment.
Come closer now so I can sussurate in your ear.

Enlightenment is not something we work our way up to.
It doesn’t live outside of us.

It is not a theory, a religion, or a creed.
It has no set steps.
It is not a goal to be achieved.

Enlightenment is simply the act of existing from your natural flow without apology.
Without holding any part of it back. Without creating a false self that is a reaction to the world around you.

Enlightenment is simply accepting all of yourself in a world that teaches you to constantly fix what needs no fixing.

Enlightenment is being you. Allowing me to be me.

I am not here to teach you anything, because you know.
You know.
You know.

And if I am ever to be a guru of anything,
let me be a guru of that.