Tearing Her Down Won’t Make You Shine


lisa fabrega

Screen Shot 2016-07-07 at 12.43.49 PM

Screen Shot 2016-07-07 at 12.43.49 PM

The only reason she’s so successful is because she doesn’t have any children.
The only reason she’s so popular online is because she has children and everyone likes seeing her posts about them.

The only reason she is such a prolific and good writer is because she’s single and doesn’t have any distractions, so she has a lot more time to write.
The only reason she puts out so much content is because, even though she has a husband and kids, she can afford a big team that allows her to be more focused.

The only reason her business is doing so well is because her spouse is really famous.
The only reason her business is doing so well is because her relationship looks amazing on social media.

The only reason she doesn’t worry about money is because she has a partner that brings in a lot of money and they can share the expenses.
The only reason she doesn’t worry about money is because she doesn’t have a partner or anyone else to have to split it with, so it goes further.

It’s easier for her because her husband/parents/relatives support her.
It’s easier for her because she never had anyone to support her, so she has more “drive” to succeed.
It’s easier for her to invest in herself because she doesn’t have a spouse she has to check in with before spending money.
It’s easier for her to invest in herself because her partner will give her anything she wants.

Do you notice a pattern?

All of the statements above I have heard over the years talking with women about other women.  All of the statements above dismiss powerful, successful, inspiring women in our lives. All of the statements above are rooted in the greatest wound in and greatest threat to women rising into their power, getting into alignment with their soul gifts & creating that which they feel called to create on this earth.


On the flip side of comparison, I’ve also heard…

She’s thinner and more beautiful than I am, which is why I will never succeed.
She’s curvaceous. That’s more appealing and “real” these days, so I can’t succeed.
She’s so much smarter and creative than me, that’s why I can never come up with any good ideas and she is soaring.
She has a drive I will never have, I just can’t compete with that.

Why do we do this?

Why must we put another person’s accomplishments down in our heads (or out loud) in order to feel better about the places where we feel insecure?

Why must we assume another person’s light shining means we have to dim or diminish ours?

Why must we reduce a woman’s achievements to “luck”?
Why must we make our own achievements small when they don’t look exactly like another person’s achievements?

Why must we copy another person’s essence and present it as our own?
Why can we not believe enough in the enough-ness of our own essence to simply just put our own unique voice out there and own it?

The answer is, again, comparison.

I’m no stranger to it. None of us are. I’ve caught myself saying lots of the statements above in my head in the past when I have felt insecure about my own gifts.

I even sat in circle with some fellow sisters once as we all had an “airing out the competitive, comparing, mean girls in our heads” session and confessed we had at some time or other thought or felt the above statements about each other.

Here’s why I think this is one of the biggest threats to living the lives we want to live:

It is rooted in a victim perspective.

When we are in the victim perspective, we feel helpless, out of control and like we are a little fly being swatted around at some whim of the Universe. We feel like there is nothing we can do to improve our circumstances. We are trapped.

So what do we do to give ourselves the illusion that we have some sort of control?

We dismiss others accomplishments and achievements in our heads as luck of circumstance, because if we can ascribe someone’s success, happiness or achievements to dumb luck or them having something we don’t, we don’t have to feel so bad about the ways in which we feel victimized by your circumstances.

When we dismiss a person’s wins as luck, we can sidestep taking full responsibility for our own greatness and creating our own wins.

With the person we are comparing ourselves to, sometimes we will even go so far as projecting onto them that they are somehow making us the victim just by shining so brightly and we lash out at them.

This is what the above looks like:

She’s taking up all the available light, so she needs to shine less brightly so I can shine.
How dare she post about her happiness on social media when I’m unhappy? She’s conceited.

My love, there is not a limit of light in this world. There is no limit on shining. There is enough light in this Universe to last throughout galaxies and whole worlds beyond the one we can see even through a telescope.

The only thing you do when you fall into the victim state of comparison, when you dismiss another woman by putting her down or making her more lucky than you, is that you end up holding yourself back.

When we are in a victim mindset and state we are only focused on what our problem is. We lose sight of what our soul wants to create and instead we begin to believe we aren’t capable.

And believing we aren’t capable is BS. It’s an excuse to not have to push yourself to try something new, step outside of your comfort zone or finally own and shine the full truth of your soul.

It’s easy for me to justify to myself the fact that I’m self-sabotaging and not writing every day by saying that the woman who does write every day has no children like I do, or on the flip side has children who give her inspiration to write. When I do that, I buy into the excuse that I just “don’t have the time” and I stop seeking a solution where I do have the time to write.

It’s easy for me to justify all of the things that prevent me from creating what I want by blaming others or some unfair Universe for it.

But here’s the truth that is not so fun to hear, especially when we’re feeling disempowered and are wallowing…

We are not the victims of our lives.
We are instead powerful creators.

We have witnessed human beings overcome incredible odds, odds we can’t even imagine overcoming, in order to create the art their soul was called to create on this earth.

Elie Wiesel just passed away this week. That man survived the concentration camps and overcame one of the worst traumas a human being could overcome to become a political activist, celebrated writer and Nobel laureate.

Whether you have kids, don’t have kids, are good at photography or not, have more or less time, are a size 0 or a size 22, or are naturally creative or not–you can overcome.  I want you to know this. You can overcome my love.

Will some things be easier for others? Yes, absolutely. Privilege exists. Nepotism exists. Favoritism exists. Some people just seem to handle certain things we struggle with, with ease. But trust me, they have things that are easy for you to do, that are extremely difficult for them, too. They struggle too.

Does this mean we shouldn’t protest against injustices and privileges that disadvantage others in an inhumane way? Absolutely not. Speak out against injustice, acknowledge it and work to shift it AND stay empowered by continuing to create the world and the art you were called here to create.

One of the most powerful ways to speak out against and shift injustice, is to create your art anyway, even when there is resistance, even when the odds are against you.

But the fact that she is enjoying her life and kicking @ss doesn’t affect your ability to do the same.  If it does, you’re making excuses, love.

And no, you will never create the art you want to create in the way SHE creates it.

That is why comparison can be utterly useless. Not only does it prolong you staying in a victim story, it also is illogical in some ways. Because you can only create your art in the way YOUR soul was meant to create it, and that will always be unique to you (and to the woman you compare yourself to).

Focusing on how someone else is doing it better than you is just distraction from doing what you were put here to do. It diffuses your focus. It’s egoic self-sabotage at its finest.

In the end, I believe that we are dealt the cards we are dealt, we make the choices that lead us to where we are, and even if we didn’t make a choice and it was made for us by circumstance, it is up to us to rise and make the best of what we’ve got.

Would it be nice for me to have a partner to share finances with so I don’t have shoulder the financial aspects of my life all on my own? Sure. But I am not married and I don’t currently have a partner to share finances with and I can do just fine on my own.

Would it be nice to have more moms following me on Instagram because I have kids and that will resonate more with them? Sure.  But I don’t have kids. Is that an excuse for me to throw in the towel and say no moms will ever want to work with me because I don’t have kids, so forget it, I might as well not say anything ever? Nope. In fact, 60-70% of the women I work with are moms.

Would it be nice to have a more supportive family? Yes, it would. But the truth is, most of them do not understand what I do and live in a very different world paradigm. That’s not an excuse for me not to create the world that makes my heart sing and find support by creating my own heart family that will offer that support.

If we look at what we do have and the talents we possess that are unique to us, we can begin to see that we, do, indeed have the capacity to lead amazing lives.

When we tap into the creator inside of us, we tap into our desire & our vision.
We realize that what others have and what we don’t doesn’t matter to an extent, because the truth is, we’re here to do OUR art (not someone else’s) in OUR way.

I don’t know about you, but at least, on my end, I’m clear that I’m here to do my art and inspire others to do theirs in alignment with their soul.

And I will do that regardless of whether I have help or not. Whether I am a size 22 or a size 0. Whether I have a partner or not. Whether I have money or not.

Your purpose is the thing you cannot live without doing. Your soul’s art is the thing you would do even if you weren’t paid to do it and even if no one saw it.

And that means there is no excuse for not doing your purpose, love.

When you know what you’re here to do and you’re serious about doing that thing, nothing will ultimately stop you from doing it, save death.

So, can we make a pact?
Can we start focusing on what our own soul yearns to create instead of what others are creating?

Can we stop tearing other amazing women down in our heads or dismissing them as lucky to feel better about ourselves and instead choose to allow their accomplishments to inspire us to achieve our OWN unique goals with soul?

Can we stop fooling and distracting ourselves with excuses and finally create the space and focus that will allow our souls to express as they have been yearning to express?

If you’re in for all of the above, comment “I’m in” below.
With fierce love,