This is my favorite notebook. I love this notebook so much.
It was custom designed for the women in my High Priestess Circle mastermind this year. Each one, 12 total, handmade and hand-embossed with our logo in gold.
I lay in bed at night and lovingly gaze at it on my night table. I love the color. The texture gives me pleasure goosebumps. The bit of gold that sparkles in the light surprises my eyes and reminds me of magic. The fact that I know the person whose hands created this. The level of care and detail that went into creating each book entices the part of me that loves good quality. The fact that our company contributed to a small business owner that makes these notebooks so lovingly, makes me feel grounded and good.
I run my hands over its pink cover every morning when I sit down in my garden to do my journaling. For me this notebook symbolizes divine inspiration, a connection to beauty, a place where I channel all of my best ideas and get to dream aloud.
But yesterday, I noticed a little problem with this notebook.
I found myself wrapped up in a moment of rapture as I really felt how much I enjoy using this notebook. How much I love the way my pen glides across its premium paper, hand selected by the maker for utmost quality. How much I love pouring into these hand-cut pages.
And while feeling this utter delight, I found myself thinking “I need to order another one, so that when this one runs out, I get to have it again.”
This sounds like an innocuous statement. It sounds like I’m just being smart and prepared.
Except this notebook only has about 15 out of 50 pages filled. It will be a while until I need another one.
Instead of just sitting with the utter delight I felt at enjoying this small object, I became attached to it.
“Attachment” is a word we hear often when it comes to personal & spiritual development work. The zen buddhists dedicate a lot of time to it. So much so that it is one of the “four noble truths”, which are foundational tenets of zen buddhism.
Attachment is the root of all suffering.
The origin of suffering is attachment.
I was having such a wonderful time feeling my enjoyment for this notebook and all the meaning it carries for me, that I attached myself to it. I attached myself to wanting to feel this exact way forever. I attached to wanting this notebook to be in my life forever because of the feelings it gives me. I moved out of the present moment and out of my enjoyment in that moment into my ego as I tried to figure out how to never run out of this notebook and these feelings again.
In essence, my mind was thinking “how can I control this thing/moment so that I can retain this feeling and this delight that the notebook gives me forever?”
When I did that, I removed myself from the flow of pleasure I was in and moved out of my body. I moved into my mind to a non-existent future, hoping to bottle and control this moment by ordering another notebook before I finished fully enjoying the one I had in my hands.
The minute I did that, the pleasure and pure enjoyment of the moment died. I moved from enjoyment to a set-up for future suffering.
The truth is, I don’t need this notebook to be in my journaling life to enjoy my writing every morning. I don’t need this notebook to manufacture this beautiful feeling of delight and pleasure.
The minute I attach myself to needing to have THIS notebook in order to feel this way when I write, I am suffering. I become the victim to my attachment. A victim to the notebook. The thing that brought me pleasure now becomes my cage. I begin to believe I can’t enjoy my writing without a notebook exactly like this.
But what if the vendor stops creating these? What if the next time I get it, the quality is not as good? What if by the time I fill up this notebook, I no longer actually want this notebook, but now I want a new, different one that also brings me delight?
If I’m attached, I will ignore that new desire and force myself to stay in the old desire for this notebook, which I have already outgrown. I stagnate myself.
If I’m attached, I will leave the notebook behind one day on a trip and then tell myself I can’t get enjoyment out of any writing unless I have this notebook, particularly. And then I suffer because I don’t write.
If I’m attached, I forget the essential truth, which is that I am the creator of what I desire.
I can create this pleasure and delight whenever I want to, in whatever ways I want to, without needing a hand-embossed, pink and gold notebook to create that pleasure I felt holding it in my hand that morning of rapture.
When I’m not attached and I remember I can create this delight any time I please, out of whatever situation I find myself in, I am free. I become the empowered creator of my life.
How many times have you outgrown your old desires and felt a new one being born in your heart, only to push it away because your ego thinks your desire HAS to look like it did in the past?
How many times have you stopped yourself from really enjoying a moment, a business win, a compliment, a love affair, an orgasm, because before you’ve finished fully experiencing it, you’re already trying to figure out how to force the moment to stay just like that forever.
How many times have you blocked yourself from enjoying your life and your work because you don’t trust in your innate ability to have or create that pleasure for yourself again?
How many times have you blocked more abundance, pleasure and nourishment in your life because your ego thinks it has to arrive in a certain package, look or feel a very specific way?
What is the “notebook” in your life?
What would happen if you just allow yourself to enjoy the metaphorical “notebook” in your life, the joy you feel in this moment at holding it in your hands, of having the privilege of feeling all of your senses come alive, the ecstasy of having the honor to experience this…
and then let the moment pass, trusting that the next moment of pleasure & goodness will come along at the perfect moment for you?
What would happen if you knew in your core that these moments never end, they are always available to us and we can always choose them?
How would you navigate your business, career, relationships, self-care differently?
That’s the inquiry I want you to focus on in your life this week. And when you have the answers, I’d love to see them in the comments below.