It’s 8am on a Saturday, and I’m wading through the outpouring of news articles on the situation at the US border and cracking into a million pieces.
My godchildren have just come to visit a week earlier — 7, 4 and 2 years old. I am trying to imagine what it would feel like if they were ripped away from me by strangers & I had no idea what might happen to them.
A horrible feeling comes over me. I feel like I am going to lose my f*&king mind.
And yet, people are going through this, a desperate, keening voice within me wails. I take a deep breath, feeling myself on the edge of something terrifying, and all-devouring.
Later on I am reviewing an old article I wrote a few years back about how the entire idea of “money isn’t spiritually evolved” actually came from the ancient practice of feudalism (basically, a form of slavery).
Yeah, take that in for a moment.
It was more convenient for landowners who had indentured servants to teach them it was “spiritually evolved” for them and their families to be poor. To work for an eternity to pay off a debt that was impossible to pay off. This ensured no uprisings. That’s what you call feeding someone a sh&t sandwich and calling it gourmet food. That’s where our belief about poverty being “spiritual” came from. From slave owners who wanted to make sure their slaves never wanted more for themselves.
Entire religions have been built on this assumption.
Entire religions & spiritual belief systems.
It seems like everyday we are discovering new things like this. Things that shake the foundations upon which our world was built. But they need to be shaken. Because they were faulty foundations to begin with.
YOU CAN’T HIDE
Something profound is changing.
No, the world and all of these horrible things aren’t new. Perhaps they are new to you. But they have been there. It has been this way for hundreds of years. People in less privileged positions know it. People of color have been living it daily for centuries.
No, that’s not what is changing.
We’ve just been good at pretending these things weren’t there.
We’ve been lied to and duped by the words of men in power.
What is changing is that no matter how hard we try to look away, it is no longer hiding. It is no longer ignorable. It is staring us right in the face, asking what we are going to do about it. It is assailing us, demanding attention. There is nowhere to hide.
DESCENDING INTO THE UNDERWORLD
As we dive deeper and follow this rabbit hole we go to the underworld of our humanity.
We dive into the sewage. And we find all the rotting corpses and fetid corruption upon which our entire world has been built. Its stench is so horrible we want to cave in, in defeat, or run.
But this time is different.
This time we cannot.
The doorway to the heavenly garden above has been shut and the only way out is through with eyes wide open.
Abuses of power are being exposed.
Misogyny, rape, and violation of children brought into the light.
Heroes turning out to be violent misogynists.
Racism and police brutality so blatantly in our faces now that we cannot pretend to not have seen it. Mirrors are being held up to our privileges. To how we turn away and pretend these things are not there.
DISAPPOINTMENT & DISMANTLING
Every day I read and read.
I am a Seer. This is my responsibility.
Not just to see.
But to see clearly, uninfluenced by my own ego, unfooled by the illusions.
Right now the sh&t of humanity is floating up to the top, it stinks and it demands to be paid attention to. It is the only way to clear it out.
So I read.
I look at all the sh&t.
I watch entire worlds being dismantled.
I watch the country I admired from afar as a kid growing up in Panama being torn to shreds by men with dead hearts full of violence, greed, and darkness. I listen to the screams of children being ripped from their parents. I feel my heart on the edge of total destruction with despair.
I watch white women leaders I admire have their blindness to indoctrinated racism exposed and called out. Some react in ways that restore my admiration. Many do not.
Many continue to hang on for dear life to the idea that they are the victim.
That they should be coddled more by those who call them out. They passive aggressively share statuses from other spiritual leaders about not speaking from anger, or how anger is divisive (it is not. It is positive fuel when used correctly. It has always fueled revolutions that benefit humanity). They criticize the tone of women of color, instead of listening to the pain in their voices, and the truth in their words. All under the guise of spiritual enlightenment.
I watch. I listen. I See.
What I really See underneath this is that they are afraid of the destruction of the world that has defined them. Afraid of their own spiritual beliefs that were born from white supremacy, not actual human decency. They defend paradigms and perspectives about “civility.” I remember Martin Luther King’s, “Letters From a Birmingham Jail.”
First, I must confess that over the past few years I have been gravely disappointed with the white moderate. I have almost reached the regrettable conclusion that the Negro’s great stumbling block in his stride toward freedom is not the White Citizen’s Council-er or the Ku Klux Klanner, but the white moderate, who is more devoted to “order” than to justice; who prefers a negative peace which is the absence of tension to a positive peace which is the presence of justice; who constantly says: “I agree with you in the goal you seek, but I cannot agree with your methods of direct action”…Shallow understanding from people of good will is more frustrating than absolute misunderstanding from people of ill will. Lukewarm acceptance is much more bewildering than outright rejection.
What I really see is that they are afraid to look in the mirror and surrender to the truth.
The only way to truly heal.
I spend weeks and weeks being let down, disappointed by these women who I admired as leaders. Who I looked to for spiritual guidance in the past, when I couldn’t figure it out.
These are times when many of the spiritual leaders we looked to in the past for answers are no longer able to lead us.
I feel bewildered. Like a child seeking a parent that is no longer there to give assurance.
More and more, I feel there is no one to turn to.
Something profound is changing.
I read and I listen, voraciously.
These are tricky times.
The most important gift we possess right now is to be able to see through the most genius of illusions. Wrapped up in the dressings of truth but secretly violent on the other side. Lies.
I dig within myself for any and all bits of the sh&t of humanity within me, built upon these lies.
LIES & PARASITES
I found out a few weeks ago that I have two parasites living inside of me. I don’t know how long they have been there. Maybe years. But they are there. And I am angry.
I never consented to this! I angrily scream internally at the parasites.
Something in me feels violated.
I take the medicine to kill these virulent, dangerous creatures. A war is happening inside of me. I watch my digestive system struggling, fighting these small monsters that invaded me without asking.
These parasites, I am told, can change your moods, the way your body behaves. Even your thoughts. And so, I am killing them off systematically, diligently, devotedly. So that they don’t warp the goodness of my true nature, the cellular structures I share with all living beings on this earth.
I read the voices of women & men on the internet with STRONG medicine to give. I breathe deep and take it, continuously putting my defensiveness to the side. I’m not always perfect at this. But I keep trying.
I watch how so many little parts of me still want to defend and fight, holding on to the old systems that protected me. I look at these tiny parts of me and say to them, my God, let go. Wake the f&ck up!
These are the parts of me that were brainwashed into believing that the systems I was indoctrinated into, that I never consciously consented to, are the ones that ensure my survival as a human being.
Just like we swallowed lies about the “holiness” of poverty from slave owners who wanted to stay rich and keep their slaves.
More and more I see the lies being exposed and dismantled. There are so many lies. Every day I see a new one and more veils are lifted.
These lies upon which we have built our perceptions of the world…
These lies which we have swallowed and propped up as truth…
Parasites that infiltrated the mind of humanity and are fighting to stay, sucking the life out of everything.
I listen. I check against my own internal truth.
I remove what is my own trigger and open wider to listen even deeper.
I dismantle every day what I thought was a truth and is really just a lie.
I get to the real internal truth, the raw, beating heart of who I really am.
I am killing them systematically one by one.
This is not easy work. It is hard. It hurts. It’s uncomfortable.
But this is the only way to kill parasites.
LET IT DIE
We are discovering that all of these lies live within us. It is hard to realize this. It is tough work.
But it is the only way through.
Almost everything I know is turning out to be a lie, a bewildered leader client shared with me a few weeks ago. I can’t believe I have contributed to these things without realizing it. I can’t believe this has been going on and I was unaware. I can’t believe I have contributed to this violence in a myriad of little ways.
And I hear this voice within me respond to her.
The world is dying.
Let it die.
It needs to die. It must.
Stop trying to prove that you or it wasn’t wrong.
Let it die.
It needs to die.
Most of the systems upon which we rest are broken, and built on rape, pillage, and abuse.
We have to let the whole damn thing fall the f&ck apart.
We have to watch the big chunks of deceit come crashing down to the floor while we wonder if we will ever be okay again.
Let what needs to be dismantled die.
Let the old things that got lost when we destroyed our origin populations, rise up, finally unfettered. Let the old voices that carry the wisdom of the earth come back singing.
I am heartbroken. So many leaders I speak to are heartbroken.
How do I deal with this?
How do I deal with everything, EVERYTHING, turning out to be a lie.
How do I deal with all of these horrible things I can’t unsee or turn away from anymore?
These questions roll in from leaders into my inbox and phone, daily.
Sometimes I am asking these very questions myself. Sometimes I don’t know the answer and am just as bewildered and angry that I was lied to, and that all of this has happened under my nose as I’ve blindly moved along my life. More angry at myself that I believed the lies.
And because of that, for a moment, I feel unqualified to answer these questions, or lead them in this way..
But I remember, we don’t need to know everything to lead.
We just need to be willing to See.
QUESTIONS THAT HAVE NO ANSWER
There are many questions that have risen within me for the last several years.
And I have not been able to find anyone to answer them.
I have searched. Believe me, I have searched.
There is a lot of fluff disguised to sound intelligent and informative.
Disguised to sound enlightened and truthful.
But it dissipates every time I try to lean on it or hold it in my hands.
I have looked to the spiritual leaders, experts, & strategists I used to revere and have found them ill equipped to handle my queries in this new world. So many of them are clinging to the old paradigms (and very often not even aware of it).
I have looked to my old personal development & business books and found dust in those pages.
Old tenets about life that used to nourish me taste like sandpaper in my mouth, devoid of nutrition.
So many things that “worked” just don’t work anymore.
Because they actually never worked.
They only worked for a small percentage of the population.
Does it actually work if it only works for a few?
I don’t know.
These are the questions I ask myself all the time.
Is that leadership?
To turn a blind eye and continue to try to fit into these molds and lies?
BUILDING A NEW WORLD
A voice within me keeps saying:
We are heading into a new era.
And in this era, there are very few leaders to look to for the answers.
Because these are entirely new answers we haven’t lived our way into yet.
It is this way always at the edge of expansion.
I see it within myself every time I reach a new edge.
Within my clients, expanding to their next level of growth as leaders.
We always get to a point where there are no roads to where we are being pulled.
We must find our way in the darkness, in full trust.
So what do we do in a world where the answers haven’t been lived in to?
Where there are few to guide us in the darkness?
I am beginning to think that knowing the answers isn’t what matters.
SO WHAT DO I DO?
I think what matters more is how we are showing up, and whether we possess the tools to truly know ourselves, as we were before we were indoctrinated with all of this BS.
When we know ourselves, sans illusion, we can show up as leaders who liberate, vs cause more harm.
I think leadership in this new world that is being born from the ashes of crashing systems is more about this, than knowing all the answers.
Do we possess the ability to discern between what is true in our Soul (which is good and comes from love) vs. what our Ego tells us? Because our ego is the part of us that is infested with all the parasites of beliefs that are being dismantled right now.
Are we modeling leadership that is reactive, uncaring, and unkind, and fooling ourselves into believing it’s simply “spiritual” to not be involved, or roll up our sleeves and help clear out all of the sh&t that is rising to the surface?
Are we making ego-driven decisions that are based on subconscious fear and over-protection of the Self, or are we making decisions that come from the Soul (and consequently benefit many).
Are we obsessing about money and forgetting about the meaning? Are we too busy putting up our pink-themed “girlboss” Instagram feeds or “love and light” minimalist brands to notice the voices that are shouting to be heard?
Are we showing up with our communities frazzled, with no boundaries? Is our leadership creating legions of co-dependent fans that hang on our every word and whose self-esteem depends on whether or not they look, act and speak like us? Or are we modeling healthy boundaries to our communities and showing them that the answers lie within them? Are our boundaries encouraging others to trust in the unique expression within them?
Are we stepping away from the war for a day or two to take care of ourselves and replenish so we can get back into the fight? (This is VERY different than checking out and claiming you’re just too sensitive to deal with it. This is a cop out and a failure of leadership)
Are we glorifying burnout culture and lack of self care by how we live our lives as leaders?
Are we able to take feedback or a call out and admit when we are wrong? Can we model humble, grounded leadership?
Are we able to maintain our equanimity, our connection to our inner wisdom, and stay internally calm even when the world around us is in a whirl and dying?
Because we need leaders who can do this as more of our systems become dismantled. I prefer a leader who can model to me staying centered in chaos, than one who seems to have all the answers.
Are we focusing on building confidence and certainty in where our internal arrow points us, instead of building “firebrands” and “influence” that pull us away from our true genius?
Are we putting fame and validation before personal sovereignty and in doing so, feeding empty goals like “maintaining our image”? Is that what we want to model to the world?
WHAT WE CAN CONTROL
These are the questions I ask myself as I stare into my tea every morning, feeling the ache in my heart. As I watch the old, broken world falling apart.
These are the things I can control, as I watch closed men who know they are on their way to extinction try to take away our rights and our humanity. Their final death cries as they fade into oblivion.
I can control how I am showing up. What I am contributing to. What I am lending a voice to. What I refuse to allow.
I can continuously dig inside of myself and kill the parasites within me, so that they begin to die in the world outside of me because my presence no longer feeds them.
There is nothing more dangerous to the darkness than a woman who is willing to look unflinchingly at herself in the mirror.
There is nothing more dangerous to that which threatens to take away our humanity than a woman who is willing to continuously excavate the inhumane parts of herself.
There is nothing more devastating to evil than a woman who has healed the oppressor inside of her. Who knows her Soul and is willing to fight with her eyes wide open.
Did this help you? If so, I’d love to hear how in the comments below.