photo by GeneticBoi
There I was in Bali a month ago, staying in a beautiful villa overlooking the rice fields.
It was like a dream come true…but I was crying my eyes out.
It was 7:30am and I had just spent a sleepless night tossing and turning, feeling as if I
had been thrown out to sea without a life vest. When I heard the sound of my friend
outside, I walked out of my bedroom and burst into tears:
“I feel totally lost. I’ve never felt this lost before”, I said to her as her eyes narrowed
The straight truth is that I had been feeling this way for two years, on and off.
Me, who had helped thousands of people get clarity and honor their souls by doing the
work they were truly called here to do, me who had tons of clients out there in full
prosperity doing work that they love because of the laser-like precision I’d used to
help them get clarity…
was completely, utterly lost.
It began two years ago as a subtle whisper.
And then it became a series of riskier and riskier demands.
After the break up of a 6 year relationship, a voice inside of me said to me “sell
everything you own, give up your coveted lease for your cute little apartment in
New Jersey and move to Panama. Go nomadic”.
I threw away beautiful letters I had saved from old boyfriends, childhood mementos
and gave away all of my brand new furniture that I had just invested in.
After a year living in Panama, completely isolated from everyone, in a
total cocoon of my own making, something else began to stir inside me.
It began to whisper to me “this is the last year you will lead your high end mastermind,
it’s time to cut it”. Now THAT was crazy, I thought. That mastermind was responsible
for almost $200,000 in revenue for my business every year and it was my favorite
program to run. How would I survive without it? How would I pay my team? My bills?
I had a lengthy discussion with my financial manager to make sure this wasn’t a totally
insane decision…and I cut the program.
Then the panic attacks began.
It started at 4am one morning.
I woke up sweating profusely with my mind asking the question
“what are you doing?? you’re throwing everything away! everything you’ve built!”
and alternately, another part of me kept asking me questions that threw me into a
whole other sort of panic: “who am I really? what am I here to do? what am I doing
in the world?”.
My brain thought all of this was very odd.
I had a successful business helping entrepreneurs grow their businesses.
What was there to question?
But the panic attacks persisted for weeks, then months.
There was something in the message of my business that was no longer feeling
aligned. Something was being birthed, something that I had already been doing,
but something that needed to come out more into the forefront.
But it was totally confusing because I didn’t quite know WHAT the thing was that
didn’t feel aligned and I certainly didn’t have access yet to the thing that WOULD feel
No matter how much I tried to ignore it when I woke up in the morning, keep running
my business as I always had and keep up with the positive mindset, it always returned
So I finally allowed myself to surrender and go down the rabbit hole that those
questions were asking me to explore.
“What is it that wants to be born?”, I asked.
You know, whispered the voice of my soul.
“I don’t know! That’s why I’m asking! Please just tell me what to do and I”ll do it!”,
I whined. Not right now. It’s not time for you to know, said the voice of my soul.
“So I’m just supposed to sit here in limbo? I can’t do that! I have a business to run!
I have programs to launch and newsletters to write and a tribe to communicate with!
I need to feel clear in my head so that I can successfully launch my next two programs,
make enough money to survive and to be able to help more people! Please!
Why won’t you just tell me?”,
I’m sorry but right now you just have to do nothing. Sit in empty presence.
Sit in the void. Observe. Listen. Be Lost, said my soul.
So wait I did. Listen I did.
I accepted lost.
And it was fucking terrifying.
I’m not going to lie.
My ego wanted so badly to hang on to the things she had already built which were
working so well and she did NOT want to have to re-evaluate and rebuild all over again.
Lost was not convenient.
When I embraced lost and listened to my soul, I heard, “I want you to write my book. I
want you to give me more space. I’m tired. I want you to create time for love. I want
clients to show up to do the SOUL WORK that you are genius at and not just work on
business strategy. I want you to get lost in the world more. I want you to do the deeper
more “woo woo” work you’re doing with the women at your retreats, more often. There
is something you are not paying attention to. There is something you are not
fully honoring. Why are you ignoring it?”
But my brain didn’t like what was coming from my soul.
She fought being lost to the death.
I was billing myself as a business coach because my ego told me that was the only
thing that would make sense to people in order for them to want to work with me.
But what I’ve really been doing all these years is:
SEEING my clients down to the core,
CHALLENGING their most insidious limiting beliefs & the BS that holds them back.
CLARIFYING what’s actually TRUE for them and what their soul is here to do so that they
have that deep clarity to take powerful action, and…
ALIGNING their lives with their deepest truth so they can honor their Soul and do what
they are truly called here to do in this lifetime.
Yet my brain had no idea how the hell to market THAT. At least not in all of the
conventional ways everyone out there tells you to.
This was some truly avant garde stuff here. And the work was sometimes so deep and
intangible that even when I asked clients to describe what it was like to work with me,
sometimes they didn’t have the words to describe it, all they knew was that their lives
were completely changed forever.
“So forget about telling people that THAT is what I do”, said my brain.
“Unmarketable. Weird. Better stick with talking about the business results, THAT
people can understand. Stick with what you know works! Do you want to lose your
whole business talking about intangible weird things?”, my ego ranted.
I stayed in this state of constant back and forth for months and months.
Even though I said “yes” to being in the sea of lost, I was uncomfortable with being lost.
I dipped a toe in and then would back track.
To my ego/brain, being lost meant there was something “wrong”.
I had to “fix” it and get the answers.
So I hired intuitives, tarot readers, business coaches, strategists and other experts to
help me. I expended a great amount of energy in investing money in outside sources
to give me the answers I was looking for.
But still I was lost.
To make it more terrifying, every time I surrendered to lost, things began to
Old clients I had worked with for years, were now just not in alignment for our work
anymore. Old programs that had sold out and been so popular suddenly had half the
number of signups. Some things just didn’t even fill up at all. Revenue shrank.
An assistant that I hired vanished into thin air one day leaving me with a mountain
of unfinished work while I was on vacation.
My brain used all of these incidences as “proof” that my soul’s guidance was wrong.
But my soul felt cool, calm and collected.
The night after my breakdown in Bali, I decided to climb a volcano.
Maybe, just maybe I would get my answers there, I thought.
I woke up at 2am, got dressed and headed up the mountain.
As I looked up at the full, blood moon in Scorpio (my moon is also in Scorpio, so
I knew this was a good time to make a wish), I said a little prayer:
“Dear Universe, I am ready now to be totally lost. Even if it means I lose everything,
even if it means everything I have built comes crashing down, I will do it. I will trust in
the guidance you’ve been giving me. I surrender to my purpose and I will do as She
wishes. I have a hunch about what that might be, can you please send me a sign if
I’m right? I’m ready to receive it. ”
You won’t believe the two, unquestionable signs I received next.
To be continued…