A few years ago, I had an uncomfortable experience at a retreat I was leading. It was the end of a breakthrough day and my team had champagne & desserts set out for participants as we all socialized.
I was sitting on a couch chatting with several women when one of them abruptly and oddly changed the topic of our conversation. With a searching tone, she asked deeply personal (and slightly inappropriate) questions about my dating life.
I’ve been coaching for over a decade and receiving coaching longer. And I’ve seen people with very poor client/coach boundaries. When these boundaries aren’t held with integrity for the client, it’s harmful for the person receiving coaching. (And that’s a Boundary Capacity issue.)
The work I do is deep and my clients trust me, I don’t take that lightly. I want my clients to feel 100% safe in the container with me and free to lean in and be fully held. So, I did my best to answer these prying questions kindly while protecting my privacy. But I noticed it seemed to bother her I didn’t give her the private information she wanted.
This festered in her to the point she complained she thought she’d “get more access to me” during the retreat. She got exactly the level of access she was promised when she signed up. What she really meant was she thought she could buy friendship or access to intimate details of my life by joining the retreat.
I work with women who have communities of clients and followers all the time. Often, I hear them confess their own fears of expanding their visibility, which holds them back every so slightly from making more impact with their work.
This fear is subtle, but wreaks havoc on your impact. And it’s directly related to the incident I just told you about with the weird, prying questions. Here’s how:
Part of this problem is social media. By its very nature it makes us think people’s highlight reels are their entire lives. I personally use social media to connect with everyone in my community (aka you) and to provide inspiration for action-taking and clarity on your capacity issues, on a daily basis.
And I’m a very open person. But I’m also very private. Both things can co-exist.
Many people come to my social networks over the years and make assumptions, for example, about my dating life. Or my friendships. I don’t post a ton of pictures about my personal relationships.
As open and in the public as I am, I’m also a very private person. I keep my romantic relationships private and in many of my friendships, people are introverted and wouldn’t want their photos splashed all over social media.
Some of my friends and clients are/have been high profile, too. So you won’t even know I worked with them. Because the minute you start bragging about all the high profile people you work with is the minute they don’t want to work with you anymore.
This online world is filled with “influencers” who perform capacity instead of putting in the work to actually have capacity. Those performing are quick to snap a selfie with a high profile individual and post to their social media for “cred”.
High profile individuals have enough people who want to take pictures of them for their social media bragging rights or use them for their own gain. Why would I do that to my friends or to a high profile client?
Clients at all levels in their careers work with me because they’re holding back their next level of visibility. Because they wrongly assume being visible means they have to use the same “performative playbook” in order to go to the next level of their impact.
Not true. In ten years of guiding people to expand their capacity so they can create success their own way, I’ve lost count of how many clients have been told “ONLY big, complicated, draining launches with tons of celebrity affiliates make you a millionaire.” They come work with me, expand their capacity to build an ALIGNED amplification plan and boom, there’s your millions.
Over the years I’ve had clients who had people following them chastising them for “not letting people get close enough to them”. Signing up for their programs as a cover for wanting to get access to their list of contacts. Sometimes audiences get a sense of entitlement with the people they follow.
This or similar might have happened to you, too. Then you feel guilty for not plastering your private life all over social or for not telling people about your miscarriage or divorce etc… This pressure to share what feels private can make you hide or shy away from visibility. This is a Capacity issue in the area of your Visibility.
You don’t “owe” your IG followers or subscribers any private info you don’t feel ready to share. Because it’s YOUR life and you choose what you want to divulge. Money being exchanged for your services doesn’t mean you’re “owned” now.
Not everything is meant for public consumption. You are not a piece of meat to be consumed. You are a human, not a product. Some things are sacred.
My romantic relationships are sacred to me. So I rarely post about them when I’ve been in them. I’m not going to use it as a branding tool or prop. There’s a human being on the other end. They’re more important to me than an extra $100,000 from branding and selling our relationship.
I’m not going to create a course on “conscious cosmic tantric relationships” three months into dating someone. My relationships are not up for public consumption. And I certainly don’t think I’m so superior at them I need to launch a three-part course telling you why you’re doing yours wrong because my relationships are “so evolved.”
I also have a hard and fast rule where I rarely talk about my revenue anymore. Why?
1) Not everyone out there wishes you well. Revenue numbers have a way of bringing out vampires. (Hello #BoundaryCapacity)
2) Revenue numbers say NOTHING about your quality of life, fulfillment level and how many people’s lives you’re changing. Many big revenue sharers online cause a hell of a lot of psychological and emotional damage to the people who made them millionaires. If you do such things, your revenue means nothing to me. That’s not success. (Hello #EmbodimentCapacity)
3) It can make people compare themselves to you when revenue is not the only determining factor of success. I want people to think they can do anything they set their soul to, not waste time feeling bad comparing themselves to my revenue numbers. What’s the point? Find your own version of financial success.
I also rarely divulge where I actually am in terms of physical location. You know why? Because once, a follower who was angry my assistant replied to her instead of me cornered me at a major conference and chewed me out. It was scary. And she knew I was there because she’d seen me post I was in her town at the event.
Another time, many years ago, a woman actually rented a room in my home and hid she was a “fan”. When I had to kick her out for disturbing behavior, it came out she’d been following me online for years and thought she’d get free coaching if she lived in my house.
Now you might read this and think “see? This is why I’m afraid to be visible.” Not once have the above incidences deterred me from continuing to be visible. Why? Because YOUR voice is needed in the world. You’re going to let other people run YOUR life? I think not.
I want you to know you’re allowed to do this Visibility thing HOWEVER you want to. This is what it means to have Visibility Capacity™–you get to do it your own way and without holding back due to fear of disappointing others’ expectations.
I do it all the time. It hasn’t impacted my business negatively. If anything, it has reduced the amount of trolls I have to deal with. Don’t let the big sharers make you feel like you have to go against what feels right and safe for you. Not everything in your life should be commoditized or branded. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself until you’re ready to share. Or maybe you’ll never feel ready to share. That’s okay, too.
Capacity means you get to do your life and your work exactly how you want to.
If you’re ready to expand your capacity and impact in the world in YOUR own way, join me and a community of amazing women in Capacity Shift™. This is my program where you can work with me on your capacity starting at only $375 a month.
I’ve opened up a few spots for July and we only have one left now.
Just fill out this form right here and I’ll be in touch to tell you all about it. And ps: if you do schedule a call with me, this is a ZERO pressure call, because who has time for that?