phew.

Maybe it’s Venus retrograde. Maybe it’s the moon in Gemini. Maybe it’s month three in self isolation. But this weekend I went on a wild ride with my emotions and I found some surprising desires within that I had not been fully conscious of. 

Or rather, the desires were always there, but I wasn’t allowing them into my consciousness because my “old, small self” had secretly pulled the wool over my eyes and told me they were “pipe dreams”. I had no idea that my ego had done this subconsciously. It’s amazing how tricky our egos can be and come off sounding so realistic and rational.

I’m consistently learning the very thing that I teach, so I get what you go through when I’m supporting you to expand your capacity to receive, hold and handle your own dreams.

These were desires that, honestly, scared me, they were so big and so beyond my current capacity. These are desires that would take me even deeper into the unknown. Desires that will require me to lean into areas of discomfort I never thought I’d be leaning into nor working to expand. The areas I’m secretly terrified of.

And then, as I contemplated all the unknowns of where those desires would lead me, I had some serious doubts come in from the monkey mind about whether I could have all of those desires. I felt the part of me that was afraid of the “what if I work so hard for those desires and they still don’t happen”? I was afraid of the vulnerability of feeling devastated. Of potentially facing disappointment.

That’s something I notice a lot in my clients: how often we don’t even allow ourselves to fully embody and go for our wildest dreams because it’s too painful to consider the “what if” of them not happening. So we choose, “pretty good” because it feels safer than “my wildest dreams.”

Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re choosing “pretty good” or that our wisest self ISN’T actually the one leading. Our egos are really good at making our choices seem great and perfectly rational. Sometimes it will even masquerade as your soul voice. Yes. I’ve seen that happen a few times in some clients. 

But our actual souls–our souls know when they want more. And they will nudge us. And if we don’t listen to the nudges, they’ll shove stuff in our faces until we are forced to notice it.

Unable to rationalize these desires away now, all day I found myself doing what my clients work on when I work with them on their capacity, particularly Embodiment & Boundary Capacities. I kept having to pull myself back from the ego chatter. 

I noticed myself alternating between despair (you’re crazy, you can’t have that, that’s a pipe dream!) and hope (you can create whatever you desire, just intend it and be clear about it). I had to constantly set boundaries with my mind and come back to center. Practicing what I preach! 

It’s interesting isn’t it? How when we desire something so much there’s a small part of us that tries to find all the proof that we aren’t capable of doing it, having it etc… It’s that self-protective voice of our egos. It’s less scary to settle for pretty good than to reach for wildest desires and risk not getting them.

If we give in to that voice, we can easily convince ourselves the wildest dreams are not for us, but rather for “other people” who seem to magically get what they want. Or we convince ourselves we just don’t have the capacity for it. And I see so many collapse and give up before they even start. Choose the “less challenging” path.

That’s a capacity issue.

In order to have and create what you really, really want you need:

1) the capacity to see yourself as capable of having it

2) to expand your capacity to hold handle and receive it

3) to employ a healthy trust that it will unfold for your highest good, whether it looks exactly as you think it should or not.

It feels like holding a paradox. To be so clear about what you want, to believe you CAN have the capacity to hold, handle and receive it…and then to let it go to unfold as it will and trust that you will be truly overjoyed with the outcome, even if it doesn’t look like what we fully envisioned. 

I used to think that was the same as “settling”. But it’s not. 

Because the beauty of allowing ourselves to dream wildly and BELIEVE in our capacity to create and handle that wild dream, is that it opens up the doors to infinite possibilities. It’s a magic portal opener. Suddenly we’ve stepped out of our usual box. Now a wider range of better possibilities than our brains could previously imagine are now available to us. 

Because I truly believe that we are so loved by everything seen and unseen. There are so many forces conspiring in our favor. My life has taught me that over and over again, even in dark moments I thought would never end. 

Watching my clients’ dreams unfold through capacity work has taught me that too. This is also one of the “tenets’ of my work. The belief that some things happen for you. Not against you. That the universe/God/life is conspiring in your favor.

I found myself teetering on that edge of “giving up” so many experience before allowing myself to want those big desires yesterday. Because I knew that allowing myself to want and go for those desires will challenge my identity and grow me beyond what I know I currently have capacity for. 

That’s what your wildest dreams do to you. If they’re not doing that to you, they aren’t your wildest, biggest dreams. I hope that every desire you have challenges your identity every single time. For every birth there must be a death.

But then I remembered something I reminded a client of this week: We are never given dreams and desires we don’t have the capacity for. Yes, read that again. If you didn’t have the capacity for it, you wouldn’t have the desire for it.

So the decision then becomes this:

Am I going to love myself and my desires strongly enough to prioritize expanding my capacity to receive them? 

Do I honor myself and my mission here on earth enough to face the challenges with an open heart, even if afraid? 

Will I allow this desire to shape and lead me, even if old identities must die?

My answer on Sunday morning as I sat on my couch, enjoying my beautiful ocean view and living room is YES. I am here. I trust, even if I’m afraid and part of me thinks I’ve lost my damn mind. 

I receive the challenge that I know will push me to my edge once more. I move forth with the newly discovered desires even though I am afraid of how vulnerable they make me. Even though I fear I would be crushed if they didn’t happen as I envision.

The desire wouldn’t be in me if I wasn’t capable. And even if it doesn’t happen as I envision-this desire is leading me somewhere far greater than my mind is capable of imagining. The Universe is conspiring for me, not against me. Now I decide to do it, even if afraid.

That’s how you know your capacity is growing. And that’s why it’s not your strategy, it’s always, always, your capacity.

If you’re reading this, this has struck a chord in you and you want to completely shift how you see what you’re TRULY capable of. Or you want to perceive yourself as CAPABLE of the BIGGEST dreams you have inside of you, then you need to expand your capacity.

I have so many options for you to begin doing that, starting at only $375 a month. Just head over here and tell me more about you and what you want. I’d love to support you.