When you have BIG goals, your relationships are EVERYTHING. It’s profoundly important to have people around you who you trust to call you out on your BS with love. BUT…in order for that trust to truly be there, you need to know those people actually mean you well and cheer you on as hard as they cheer for themselves.
Not knowing how to discern this is a capacity issue. And having the WRONG people around you calling you out can seriously hold you back.
One of the things I noticed as I started working on my capacity many years ago is every time I expanded ONE area of my capacity, so did several others. I often tell y’all: all six capacities are interwoven. They make a fabric that makes up your own unique capacity code™, which, when unlocked, changes everything.
When one capacity shifts & expands, so do all the others. That also means when one declines, the others suffer too.
For example: as my capacity grew, so did my power and self-assuredness (Embodiment Capacity™). I see this in my clients, too–as they become more embodied in their power, the way they show up ENERGETICALLY, changes. This is when I hear things like “wow, I walked on that stage and totally commanded it!” or “for the first time my boss took me seriously and greenlit my project!”.
As my Embodiment grew, another capacity unexpectedly shifted: Boundary Capacity™. When I wasn’t fully owning my power, I had energy leaks all over the place. My boundaries were wishy-washy and I was too worried about upsetting people with a firm, loving “no.” This in turn stretched me thin and decreased my confidence.
Think about how a lack of confidence affects everything negatively. From how you show up in your relationships, to the clients you attract, to how you market yourself, to how well you can negotiate a raise (or a price uplevel).
But WAIT…when my boundaries shifted, a THIRD capacity began to shift: my Money Capacity™. I now had more energy and time to focus on revenue-generating activities, I stopped attracting draining people who wasted my time and I stood firm in my prices. So, my revenue and influence grew.
When I was standing at a whole new level of my power, my boundaries were solid and I was earning more…some sh&t hit the fan with the people around me. In fact, I notice this happens every time I step into a new level.
This is something y’all often tell me you fear: when you truly step into the next level of your capacity, you’ll be “too intimidating”, “too threatening” or will lose people. You’ll be “too powerful”. So you might shy away from building your capacity. But when you shy away from building your capacity, you don’t have the capacity to reach your next level goals. See how that works?
When the sh&t hit the fan for me, I saw clearly who in my sphere was threatened by my success. I saw the friends who wished me well as long as I was “underneath” them. That’s what the author Jeff Brown calls “harborers.” Every time I uplevel my capacity, a harborer’s mask is peeled off and I lose some relationships.
But I’m glad of it. Because, I share my plans with VERY few people now. Only with people I trust. And that means no one is stealing ideas or telling me “it won’t work” before I’ve even had the chance to try. And my energy levels are through the roof, because I only have people around me who lift me up, don’t vampirically remove my energy and don’t project weird things onto me.
The confidence I have in myself to get to where I want to go has quadrupled. Why? Because I mostly have ONLY supportive people around me. I have way too many amazing things to accomplish and no time to let anyone who isn’t 100% well intentioned near me.
Sometimes we allow relationships like this to remain, because even though they’re a little bit of a drag, we think “oh it’s just a little bit”. But a little bit repeated over and over becomes a 50 ton weight around your ankles.
The way I conduct sales calls or interact with people online has changed, too.
I care tremendously about anyone who wants to talk with me about Capacity Work™. In the past, when I’d see them self-sabotaging on a sales call, I’d point it out, hoping they’d be able to see it and make a shift. But I noticed this was very draining. Especially when the person wasn’t actually ready to make a shift. They’d get defensive or spend way too much time hemming and hawing. It drained team resources and my energy, too. So I radically changed the way my sales calls are conducted.
When someone books a call with me to talk about Capacity Work™ now, there’s a process they get taken through that helps them self-determine if they’re actually ready to do the work. Every time I see someone cancel their appointment to speak with me, I smile. Because I know that person just made a sovereign decision for themselves and realized they weren’t ready. They’ll come back when they are.
All of the above is a combination of Boundary Capacity (clearly stating to potential clients what I am and am not available for), Embodiment Capacity (trusting that when the person is actually ready, they will be a yes) and Structural Capacity (clear email sequence prior to a sales call that allows client to self-determine if they’re actually ready).
Similarly, I refuse to engage in online interactions with people whose intentions I can’t fully read. When I get that funny feeling in my stomach interacting with someone online, I trust it. I don’t respond to them, I don’t give them any energy. And I don’t waste time wondering if I’m wrong or “giving the benefit of the doubt”. My next level self needs to make quick decisions and she doesn’t have time to second guess her initial instincts.
I’ve also made it a rule that if you can google something, but you’re asking me instead, I don’t respond–especially on social media with people who aren’t my clients. Even the second I spend telling them to google it is not worth wasting. People who have put nothing into the container of our relationship, don’t get to have me jumping to answer questions on their timeline.
This might sound harsh, but it’s crucial. Think of the level of busyness you’re going to have when you’re at your next level. Do you think Oprah gives a second of her energy to people who aren’t ready and are requiring a ton of back and forth? Nope. If you have big goals, why aren’t you treating yourself like Oprah, then?
Every little leak of your energy and power can lead to a waterfall of drainage. Don’t let it happen.