super defensive


lisa fabrega

super defensive

A few weeks ago, someone I implicitly trust shared something with me that hurt my feelings. They shared a particular behavior I do when I’m feeling unsure about something is “off-putting”.

I’m a Cancer, astrologically speaking, and one of my favorite memes about Cancers is this one:

I laugh hysterically whenever I see this meme online, because it’s just PLAIN TRUTH. I’m tough as nails but I’m also a sensitive person. Though I have excellent capacity, I’m aware that my propensity is to get my feelings hurt easily. Which means I need double the capacity to not take things personally than your average, non-Cancer-sign person. 

We’re all made differently and some of us need more capacity in some areas than others. That’s why I always say your Capacity Code is completely unique to you. So there’s no point in comparing your capacity to someone else’s.

I’ve had to work a lot on managing my sensitivity throughout the course of my life. It’s why one of the Pillars of Capacity is Discernment. It’s why one of the six main capacities is Embodiment Capacity (your emotional, mental & spiritual capacity). I teach what I learn. The ability to discern whether something is actually hurtful or I’m just being sensitive is an art. 

You can easily tip into gaslighting yourself if you dismiss a genuinely hurtful comment and tell yourself “to get over it”, when you actually need to set a boundary. You can also just as easily tip into being defensive, centering yourself and not listening to very valuable feedback.

I have a personal rule about feedback and criticism: I don’t take to heart criticism or feedback from people whose intentions are not clear to me. That means I surround myself with bold truth-speakers as mentors. I’m not interested in surrounding myself with yes people. My mentors call me OUT with a lot of love, often. I prefer it that way. So, as I noticed my feelings hurt reading my friend/mentor’s words about my “off-putting” behavior, I took a breath.

Number one: I knew she wasn’t saying this to hurt my feelings, be mean or tear me down. She’s shown she cares about me. So I don’t even have to go there emotionally. I hurt my own damn feelings.

Number two: I asked myself “beyond my hurt feelings, is what she’s saying true?” Thankfully, I’ve worked on my capacity A LOT over the years. So, I immediately saw she was right. I DO do the thing she was calling me out on. And I DO need to work on it so I can continue to be a better human and leader. At every next level of your growth,there’s more capacity to work on. Always.

Then the shame wanted to start. I’ve seen my own clients go through this when I lovingly call them out. Embarrassment my mentor didn’t see me as “perfectly evolved” wanted to creep in. But working on my Boundary Capacity for years has taught me to set boundaries with my own negative thoughts. 

I have another personal rule: I won’t allow my inner reactive child to control my emotions, color my perspective or lead in my relationships and business. Children don’t make good CEO’s of your life. So I used my Boundary Capacity reserves,stopped myself from spiraling, gave my inner hurt kid a hug, told her she’s lovable and the idea you have to be perfect to be lovable is toxic, patriarchal, colonialist BS. 

This allowed me to quickly move into feeling GRATEFUL for the feedback. Now I’m actively working on it and noticing the feedback has helped me: a) reduce drama even more (and I’m already a pretty drama free person) and b) is helping me be an even more sovereign leader.

Sometimes you’re going to get feedback from trustworthy people that feels like an “ouch”. They might point out a behavior or aspect of you that’s not nice to look at. 

With Embodiment Capacity and Discernment (both crucial aspects of Capacity Work™), you can sit with your hurt feelings, thank the person who cared enough to give you the feedback, and use it to shift so you don’t keep sabotaging yourself with off-putting behaviors.

The above advice is the same I’ve given so many clients over the years. It has saved marriages, relationships, business partnerships, business teams, multi-million dollar deals and more.

If a team member whose shown their trustworthiness, loyalty and devotion to you gives you feedback, are you listening? So many people I’ve advised kept having team members quitand they didn’t realize it was their defensiveness creating that outcome.

Are you still stubbornly trying to make your marketing plan work, even when trusted mentors have told you it needs work? Do you decide to do it your own way and still blame your mentors when it doesn’t work? This could be why you keep spinning in circles, always plateauing.

Do you push people away who genuinely want to build a relationship with you because you get reactive and lash out when they give you well-meaning feedback? Do you immediately jump to thinking every bit of feedback is criticism that “proves no one loves you nor can hold your depth”?. This might be why relationships feel hard for you.

Listen, I GET this is hard. But having the capacity to MANAGE your emotional state as a leader and human is one of THE most crucial, yet often unexamined aspects of creating the success you want in life, work and business.

That’s why the problem’s not always your funnel, revenue strategy, team or business model. Sometimes it’s your CAPACITY that needs the tweak. 

If you’re ready to build the kind of capacity that supercharges your strategies and makes you a more successful leader, then fill out the Capacity Discovery Form right here.

I’ll personally review it myself and get in touch to see if I can be of support in any way. We have programs that start at only $525 a month, so there are options, no matter your budget.

Hope this helped you today!